At a massage gig this week one of the punters asked me, “So what can I do to stop my shoulders getting so tight?”

My reply: “Stop living the sickness lifestyle.” In other words, normal life. Holistic wellness practitioners call it the sickness lifestyle because it’s pretty much guaranteed to give you some kind of sickness. And tight muscles are a warning sign.

Her: “So what kind of lifestyle is better for wellness?”

I’ll summarise it as follows:

1. Stay out of debt. I haven’t had any debt – not even a credit card – for about eight years now. If I can’t afford to pay for something in cash all in one hit, I don’t buy it. And you’d be amazed how well you can live without all those things you “need”.

Note: Not all debt is bad – a true asset can be worth the debt. But remember, if you need a job to make the loan repayments, it’s not an asset, it’s a consumer good. Yes, that’s right, your house is a consumer good, not an asset (unless you’re renting it out).

2. Don’t work full time. If you need to, you’ve probably fucked up #1. Time freedom – to be in charge of how you spend your time, and be able to steer your life in the direction you want it to go – is a powerful source of wellness. A tiny bank balance is less stressful than you might think.

Astonishingly, most people have no idea what they would do if they no longer worked full time. “I’d be bored,” they tell me. I find that mind-blowing. I can’t remember the last time I was bored on my own time. Well, if you don’t know what you would do with more time, why would the Universe give it to you? You obviously don’t deserve it.

3. Live in nature. There’s a thin sheet of metal between me and the elements. In the Rubbish Lounge there’s a thin sheet of plastic. I look out on big sky country, not fluorescent lights. I listen to birds singing and geese clucking instead of talking heads and radio DJs dribbling on about the crap du jour.

4. Eliminate toxic people. I no longer waste my time and energy on people who are toxic, unreliable or unproductive. No I don’t care if I only have two friends in the whole world; they’re two friends who lift me up and help me be the best version of myself, not drag me down to their level so that they’ll feel better about themselves. I’d rather have a good nothing than a bad or mediocre something.

5. Stop what you’re doing, and shut the fuck up for five minutes (or five hours). Turn off the computer, the phone, the iPad, the iPod, the TV, the radio, and all that other crap. You’ll be amazed what you can hear.

6. Go inwards for wisdom. I don’t look to other people to tell me how to live – experts, celebrities, authorities, friends etc – unless they’re the kind of person I want to be or they have the kind of life I want, AND their advice makes sense to me.

7. Eat real food. Since I haven’t mastered this one yet, I can’t say much about it with any credibility, but as a CHEK Institute-trained HLC2 (Holistic Lifestyle Coach Level 2), I at least know what I should be doing. And it ain’t what the mainstream ‘health experts’ say I should be doing.

8. Stay away from mainstream TV, radio and newspapers (or else be very disciplined about your consumption). They are full of mind viruses that leave you feeling insecure, helpless and pessimistic. And the genius of them is that you will swear black and blue they’re innocuous or that you’re immune to them. Ya ain’t.

9. Aim for self-sufficiency. Stop relying on the world to take care of you – the government, your family, a man. It’s disempowering, and leaves you frustrated as hell when the world doesn’t deliver. Chances are you can do it yourself, if you just give it a go. Other people should be the icing on your cake, not the cake.

10. Have a dream that’s bigger than your current reality, and make it happen. My income is below the poverty line, I’m now practically unemployed, I live in a caravan in a paddock on someone’s good graces, I don’t have enough money to deal with the things that need dealing with, and if I were to get sick or my van had a major breakdown, I’d be screwed. Instead of focussing on all the things that are wrong, I’m publishing a book. And that’s just the first of my big dreams; there’s a whole long list of ’em lined up behind that one. When you’re taking action on dreams, there’s no time to be miserable about your less-than-ideal circumstances. And being excited about your dreams becoming reality is way more interesting than being miserable about your circumstances.

11. Have a hammock. And use it often. Aside from the benefits of quiet time, the rocking motion is healing – and the effect is there even if the hammock is only moving a few millimetres.

I know I should have just told her to do a few shoulder stretches, but…